28 october

winter is knocking on the door. thak thak thak! how the hell i know??? coz i had my first prickling sensation of the season. the only fucked up thing about the winters are these sharp stinging sensations. any quick response physical or emotional triggers this shit. otherwise i love winter  of-course Delhi doesn't have snowfall buts its secondary. nothing devastating about it.

so, nothing to do much lately same old days, same dreamless nights. when the days are long you get stuck with intense boredom.  sleeping in nights is not a problem. the problem comes in the noon. you have nothing else to do but sleep, but eventually you find out that you can't. You know what you need... you need Valium.  Diazepam is the answer, is it? or Cronin or Declomol or paracetamol etc.

What am i thinking? using medicine as sleeping drugs... this is weird... this is getting outside my mind. I guess i'm overreacting to my present situation though i'm on the verge of on a storm. May be its too much overdose of western movies. Movies in which Guys and Gals taking pills whenever they want to ease there mental pain. I don't have one or i do may be or its all a big dough of frozen bullshit. is it??? How could you possibly know?

Enough of that shit, the point is that... i want to sleep to pass my time. Period.

Nothing is learnt or gained from this blog. No questions were answered if there were any but wrote it anyway just for the fuck of it.

Observations made:

1. nil...

31 August

The day was fair to me only 5% of contempt rest was happy. the jokes were coming in a snap. try too loose my non-existing fictional ego. Worked wonders. A new experience today's day.

try to attempt my newly learnt social skills for virtual social life i.e, Internet. Worked okay but i think i always get little carried away and becomes irritating and prideful.

I don't know how much i have to pull it or when to release and be loose. I think my ego is not completely leaves me behind.

but overall a good day. Try to continue it and maintain it tomorrow.

i am good this day, thanks 31 august.
i felt Intellectual today with less ego.

Today's Observations:

1. you have to blend in equal amounts of wittiness, knowledge, humbleness and gentleness in your behaviour. then you can easily lure people.
2. Religion and the feeling of Vengeance related to it never fades away but instead grows more and more even if you had no past incidents of religious tragedy. The society's negative point.

29 August

Today again out of frustration and confusion or i don't know may be anger, i thought of running away to anywhere, to nowhere. just like yesterday similar to those many past days this year when thought of getting a terminal illness or anything like that. So that i can get an excuse to run away.
Tried to take an evening nap but failed again. No peaceful sleep yet.

Looking for jobs but not preparing for them. Going to the interviews but doing nothing to pass them.
i am looking for 'what i wanna do' i want to find that feeling inside me. can't do it in this family house this social lab for growing civilised breeds. That’s why also u wanna run away just don't have the fucking courage to just do it. These fucking morality and loyalty towards the parental institution blocks me. Too much of false self righteousness and social conditioning is fucking with my mind. Holding me in the shackles of relationship in the prison of society.

Just want to go out on my own.

Now trying to get a decent laugh on the pseudo world the sociopath network, the Internet community. Spoiling the likes of me. it can make me addicted but not happily interested. its just a compulsion to cut out the trivial time.

Later the night our family's "Kul Purohit" came to visit us, actually me. I'd been jobless since my graduation July 2011 and i guess he had come to defend his Substantiation of all the years of POOJA he had done for us. so he started making some phone call to all his old
"YAJMAAN" acquaintances. The way he was talking to them, i realised how 'Us' the Brahmans had worked their way to the top of the chart. It’s all about self-preservation and preaching the fear of god. As i talked to his clients giving the display of my academic virtues, i saw my parents eyes. so full of vulnerability and meekness. It was a one and half hour long torture. i exploded a million times in between just thinking about the idea of being in somebody's DEBT.

After the meeting was over a sense of self-denial and self-deprecation had struck me. i went to an empty dark room and started reciting the day’s events. A sheer madness begins to flow through my body into my head. I got the urge to left this miserable sense of me and acquire to someone dark and destructive within me.


I started playing this "Joker" guy from the movie but i have no batman around so i have to punch myself. It was madness but at the same time very relieving. I am afraid of this kind feeling, its inhuman.

Today's Observations:

1. old man with smoking habit coughs in between a letter.
2. hope is an Trance for vulnerable people living pathetic life.
3. if the normal people saw(found out spying or accidental) something abnormal or unconventional in their loved ones they become shocked but at the same time try to hide their exclamation from the one.